Losing My Religion

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Your Number One.”

US chart – Mariah Carey (okay…)
UK chart – The Clash (more up my street!)

#1 Alternative song on my birthday however… REM’s Losing my Religion. I had no idea that this was a number one at that time, I love this song.

Every whisper
Of every waking hour
I’m choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I’ve said too much
I set it up

Consider this
Consider this, the hint of the century
Consider this, the slip
That brought me to my knees, failed
What if all these fantasies come
Flailing around
Now I’ve said too much

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

Grieving

A lot has happened since I came back from my holidays. My original plan was to write a post about the trips and share my experiences alongside some photos. However, that’s the main problem with plans, they sometimes do not follow through. Things have been difficult for many many reasons and I managed to lose some interest in this blog. Perhaps it’s due to the fact that I have been learning to control myself and my emotions a lot more without needing this blog as my escape, as my coping mechanism. However, here I am today, 00:23 writing when I need to get up earlier to go see the doctors before work.

RIP650The thing is, today I found out that a friend committed suicide approximately three weeks ago, yes, three weeks ago. None of our common friends were aware of what had happened till today and we are all shocked. I had known her for two years and I witnessed her mental health decaying, I also witnessed her seeking support and being hospitalised. It was not easy, especially when we are talking about a woman in her early 30s. A beautiful person inside out, sweet, polite, considerate, supportive of others. She made me smile countless times. I saw her at the end of July just before going away on holidays and she was looking better, her eyes still had some sparkle despite being slightly wide whenever she spoke. She seemed to be under medication but she managed to recognise me on a London bus. If you have heard or seen anything about London’s public transportation, you will know that recognising people sometimes can be tough. But she saw me, she approached me and we spoke for a short time. She told me how she was feeling better and had so many plans for her life and her children’s life. Yes, she was a mother of three.

I’m still in denial. I struggle to accept how she would reach such a level of sadness and depression when she still had plans and was eager to talk about them. That last hug now feels painful. It hurts because I wish I could have done something to help her. I know it was completely out of my hands and she must have been so desperate to think that death was the only way out, she was so in love with her children, she cared so much for them… I cannot understand why she did this and I know I will never fully understand it. How could I? How could anyone understand when we will never know the struggles she was facing every single day of her life. This entire situation makes me wonder how many people are in pain and feel they cannot speak up despite having friends and family around. How many people must feel that there is no other way… I just wish she had seen the light at the end of the tunnel, her children need her, they will always miss mum and live with her suicide over their shoulders, haunting them. Finding out about her death three weeks after was also terrifying on its own. Why did it take us so long to find out. Why? We all have so many questions that will remain unanswered. No one will ever know the truth.

Rest in Paradise beautiful.

A Sentimental (Lie) Goodbye II

Dearest ‘You’,

Several months have gone past and I still feel your touch, I still hear your voice and I still imagine what you would say or how you would react to mundane moments. We’ve known for so long that we are not right for each other and somehow, I always end up back on your arms. Despite the countless goodbyes, I always end up right there, on your arms. I wish I knew how to let you go and move on but I don’t know how to get you out of my head.

Sometimes I wonder how this may have happened. I think I have feelings for you and I don’t understand why. You never cared for me in any way, you have given me absolutely no reason to even like you but… somehow I think I might love you. What else would I be feeling if not love? I force myself not to think about you, I have asked you to leave and you ignored every single request, I have tried to push you away, I have said goodbye and nothing seems to work. A sentimental lie, another goodbye, I just don’t know what to do.

I need to move on but I don’t wanna love somebody else…

“Oh, we left it all unspoken
Oh, we buried it alive
and now it’s screaming in my head”

A Big Great World – I Don’t Wanna Love Somebody Else (Video below is a beautiful cover I have found)

Let Him Go

Let him go, he’s not worth your precious time.

Everyone has met someone who wasn’t worth their time, whether in a relationship or a friendship basis… I have many times given this advice to friends who seeked my views but not long ago, I kept telling myself the same advice and failing to do anything about it. It took me a while to get rid of him but I finally have. He wasn’t worth my precious time.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Take It From Me.”

Morning Routine

6.00am is part of my daily routine as the time my biological clock wakes me up. I rarely ever use an alarm clock as I know between 6 and 6.30 am I am up and ready to start the day. Very often, I manage to see the clouds moving whilst accommodating the sunshine – it is very often sunny with blue sky at that time in London and it only gets gloomy later on which is deceiving if you get dressed to work thinking about your 6am experiences.

Yes, I love mornings. I love waking up early and if I didn’t have to sleep, I probably wouldn’t as I also love nights. I simply can’t win!!!

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “The Golden Hour.”

One A Day: THE Last One!!!!

Oh my days, I’m not taking up on any other challenges that will require continuous attention. I simply don’t have the time or energy for it. After so many months, it’s finally here, the last post of the 30 day song challenge that took approximately 6 months to complete. Happy days!

Day 30: Your favourite song at this time last year

So I started these challenges with John Mayer and I’ll be finishing it with him too. To make it even better, I’m cheating my way out of this by adding the entire album! Last year my favourite song was Stop This Train for many reasons that I think may have been mentioned in this blog before. Unless I’ve been daydreaming about life as sugar, I’m sure I’ve embedded this song here before.

Stop this train speaks to me in a very strange way and somehow it always makes me feel better. If you are curious, the song starts on 23:52 on the video below.

Stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
but, honestly, won’t someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I’m only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said, “Help me understand.”
He said, “Turn 68,
you’ll renegotiate
Don’t stop this train
Don’t for a minute change the place you’re in
Don’t think I couldn’t ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly, we’ll never stop this train.”

Once in a while when it’s good
It’ll feel like it should
And they’re all still around
And you’re still safe and sound
And you don’t miss a thing
‘Til you cry when you’re driving away in the dark.

Previous Entries:

  1. My Favourite Song
  2. Least Favourite Song
  3. Happy Song!
  4. Sad Song…
  5. Best Friend
  6. Call It Home
  7. An Event
  8. Know All Lyrics
  9. Push It Baby!
  10. Moonlight Serenade
  11. Just a Great One
  12. A Song From a Band I hate
  13. [Skipped]
  14. Beyonce? Really??
  15. So What!
  16. Hate is a Strong Word…
  17. Radio Hit
  18. Digital Bath
  19. Parachutes
  20. Best of You
  21. Hey Ya!
  22. We Might As Well…
  23. Hold My Hand
  24. Highway to Hell
  25. Inflatable You
  26. Accidentally Acoustic
  27. Diary of Jane
  28. [Skipped]
  29. Macarena!
  30. phewwwwww I’ve finished this thing!!

One A Day: Macarena!

Day 29: A song from your childhood

A song from my childhood… I was only two years old when this came out (according to Google). But I remember growing up dancing to this and I still remember the choreography haha!

Previous Entries:

  1. My Favourite Song
  2. Least Favourite Song
  3. Happy Song!
  4. Sad Song…
  5. Best Friend
  6. Call It Home
  7. An Event
  8. Know All Lyrics
  9. Push It Baby!
  10. Moonlight Serenade
  11. Just a Great One
  12. A Song From a Band I hate
  13. [Skipped]
  14. Beyonce? Really??
  15. So What!
  16. Hate is a Strong Word…
  17. Radio Hit
  18. Digital Bath
  19. Parachutes
  20. Best of You
  21. Hey Ya!
  22. We Might As Well…
  23. Hold My Hand
  24. Highway to Hell
  25. Inflatable You
  26. Accidentally Acoustic
  27. Diary of Jane
  28. [Skipped]